Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize