im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
