I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
