Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
