oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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