I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
