my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
