I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
its not stalking. its research.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
