The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
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