Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
As shirtless as possible
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
