I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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