the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
