Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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