i always forget guys have bellybuttons
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
