My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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