He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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