im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
