The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
