my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
