I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize