I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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