So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize