Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize