i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
