So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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