every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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