i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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