I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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