The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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