I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
