wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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