Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
