get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
P.S. I can't hear my feet
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We are all done wearing pants today
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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