I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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