i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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