allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
