When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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