I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
