you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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