I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Randomize
