By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
