What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize