There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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