i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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