4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
