I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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