I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
