Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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