Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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