Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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