This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
