So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize