Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
