I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
