So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
my sisters under your porch take her home
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
