Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
