I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
