If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
