Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
