I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
